A Case of Mistaken Identity

I've cut back tremendously on my work over the past month or so. This was a conscious choice in an aim to step back from my professional life which was great or horrible depending on which day I looked at it.

I wanted more time with my kids, I wanted more time with myself, I wanted to enjoy what I spent my time on. . .

Yet here I sit wondering what I was thinking. I am spending more time with my kids, yet I also feel incredibly disconnected. I wonder what else work was giving me besides money and a resume pad.

Was it giving me a social outlet?

Was it giving me an escape?

Was it giving me a purpose?

Was it giving me an identity?

I am meeting a ton of new people right now and I thank God, Goddess, All That Is that I have something professional going on so I don't have to say I don't work.

I can't seem to accept it, embrace it or appreciate it.

I also find my life is filled with a new layer of anxiety. I think I used to hide from things I didn't enjoy or feel comfortable with by focusing on work. I've got nothing to pull me in that way anymore.

In short, I'm still unsure what the right path is. I think it might be good to give this a bit more time and see what doors open up as I close this one tighter.

On the other hand, I might go nuts!

Earth, Wind and Fire

Ten years ago, in addition to the relationship described here, I also started meeting with a group of women every week. Brought together through common and painful past experiences, we each sought out the group to heal, to find solace, to stop the madness. . .

Since that time I have bared my soul to these women who know me in a way that no one else in my life does. They joined me at the height of happiness and the depth of sadness, through the incessant rat-tat-tat of anxiety and the power of anger. These days we call ourselves the Journey Women as we somehow moved beyond the here and now and have begun to craft our future, our magical realities.

On our ten year anniversary, I wanted to thank the Journey Women for all they they do and have done. I want to thank them for who they are.

Earth is the rock of the group.

While oftentimes silent she stands firm and strong as bedrock.

Wind flows around the group,

connecting us together and remembering where we came from,

while giving us inspiration and a fresh perspective.

Fire burns both deep and strong.

She warms with her compassion and understanding

and inspires with her passion.

This one's for you. Happy Ten Year Anniversary!

Higher Self

I've been thinking about religion a lot over the past year. I was raised Catholic but from the time I was confirmed until I met J I was not really a church attender. I had some issues with Catholicism and a hard time finding peace and spirituality in the confines of weekly church going. None of my friends really went to church and it is actually pretty en vogue with many I know to not go to church, to find spirituality in nature, to decry organized religion, etc, etc, etc.

I also kind of gave up on God when I was a teenager, but more about that later.

Through it all though, I always wanted a religion. I always wanted church to feel special. I always wanted it to be a place of comfort and joy. It just wasn't.

J was raised Catholic and attends mass every week, says prayers at night, and finds comfort in the ritual and routine of it all. It was easy when we married to agree our kids would be raised Catholic - of course they would. It was harder for me to figure out how I was going to marry my version of religion and the church's version of religion. It seemed so difficult and monumental. I couldn't figure out how to connect with it all.

Yet I started going to church with J. I started saying prayers with the Peanuts before bed.

One day I was introduced to the concept of a Higher Self. You've heard me wax lyrical about my Future Self, well this is another layer. I picture my Higher Self as the best, most spiritual essence of me. She is unworldly - more angelic - and a conduit to God/Goddess/All That Is.

For some reason, it is much easier to connect with her than with God. I can kind of 'get it' - the awesomeness of it all - and feel a part of it in an intricate way.

A few months ago, I was saying The Lord's Prayer with Peanut One and the beauty of it suddenly hit me. Sure I would use different words than trespasses, temptation, daily bread; but after saying it eight million times the essence of the prayer finally hit me.

Higher Self;
Help me make our world the best it can be.
Nurture me every day.
Look kindly on me and I will do the same to myself and others.
Help me be my best self in word, act and deed.
Love,
Me

Art Show II

Here is my next painting, 'Future Self is a Higher Power'.

Hello Me

Call me nuts, but I've started writing about and to my future self. I do believe this is transforming my life. No joke.

I imagine who I will become and what my life will be like down the road. I imagine what I will be feeling, thinking, seeing, hoping. Then I write. I write as if it is real and I write with no censorship. Then I close my notebook and put it away.

Sometimes I ask her questions:

Should I take this new job?
Should I try to repair a fractured relationship?
What is really important to focus on?

She answers.

Not in a crazy, I hear voices kind of way. But if I still my soul I hear the answer:

Either path will lead you here.

You've done enough for now.

Love and joy, love and joy.

I've gotten to the point where I see her and can sense her reflecting back on this time in my life. It is absolutely incredible.

Try it.

It's magic.