Inner Critic

Do you have that piece of you that is such an internal nag? One that can be so cruel to yourself?

Mine is in rare form today. I can't pinpoint why but I'm certainly trying.

The good news is that I'm able to hear it from a new perspective. I can literally separate that voice from the rest of my thoughts and talk it down (mostly).

This is new.

It usually overtakes my mind and pushes me into some sort of despair.

I can promise it feels better this way. . .

Time Passes

About a year ago I stopped writing on this blog. I had found myself worrying too much about who or who wasn't reading it. The words I wanted to write were so personal and raw at times that I didn't feel ready to broadcast to the world (or even to my family at times!). So I began writing more to entertain the readers I knew I had and this began to feel kind of beside the point. Since then I stopped my blogging and haven't visited these dusty halls in a while.

Today I was practicing mindfulness and 'Magical Reality' came back into my head. I want to write more. I want to share more. I think it is important for me to keep this train of thought going. Can I challenge myself to keep it personal, keep it real, keep it about learning and growing - not entertaining?

So I begin again. I'm going to try and push this forward in a way that is about personal growth and exploration. I commit to share my thoughts and feelings, what I'm trying, what I'm working on. I hope others will join me in this quest.

Let the Magic begin . . .

State of Mind

I've been a bit distracted and out of it lately.

I'm not sure what is going on, but it's seeping through my life.

Yesterday I went to Target with a list I made throughout the week prior.

I hustled, sped , slowly weaved my way through the store with Peanut Two in tow, glancing every few minutes at the next item on my list.

About half-way down, between toothpaste and diapers, I got to 'eggplant'.

I don't know what cryptic message I was trying to send myself.

Hopefully not, "yo, mama, you're losing your mind".

A Case of Mistaken Identity

I've cut back tremendously on my work over the past month or so. This was a conscious choice in an aim to step back from my professional life which was great or horrible depending on which day I looked at it.

I wanted more time with my kids, I wanted more time with myself, I wanted to enjoy what I spent my time on. . .

Yet here I sit wondering what I was thinking. I am spending more time with my kids, yet I also feel incredibly disconnected. I wonder what else work was giving me besides money and a resume pad.

Was it giving me a social outlet?

Was it giving me an escape?

Was it giving me a purpose?

Was it giving me an identity?

I am meeting a ton of new people right now and I thank God, Goddess, All That Is that I have something professional going on so I don't have to say I don't work.

I can't seem to accept it, embrace it or appreciate it.

I also find my life is filled with a new layer of anxiety. I think I used to hide from things I didn't enjoy or feel comfortable with by focusing on work. I've got nothing to pull me in that way anymore.

In short, I'm still unsure what the right path is. I think it might be good to give this a bit more time and see what doors open up as I close this one tighter.

On the other hand, I might go nuts!

Earth, Wind and Fire

Ten years ago, in addition to the relationship described here, I also started meeting with a group of women every week. Brought together through common and painful past experiences, we each sought out the group to heal, to find solace, to stop the madness. . .

Since that time I have bared my soul to these women who know me in a way that no one else in my life does. They joined me at the height of happiness and the depth of sadness, through the incessant rat-tat-tat of anxiety and the power of anger. These days we call ourselves the Journey Women as we somehow moved beyond the here and now and have begun to craft our future, our magical realities.

On our ten year anniversary, I wanted to thank the Journey Women for all they they do and have done. I want to thank them for who they are.

Earth is the rock of the group.

While oftentimes silent she stands firm and strong as bedrock.

Wind flows around the group,

connecting us together and remembering where we came from,

while giving us inspiration and a fresh perspective.

Fire burns both deep and strong.

She warms with her compassion and understanding

and inspires with her passion.

This one's for you. Happy Ten Year Anniversary!

Thanks Mom

My mom and I have had many ups and downs over the years (perhaps, as any good roller coaster, more downs than ups). While things are pretty stable now, she often reminds me that there was a time that she thought we would never be able to speak again. I must admit I've spent a LOT of time trying to understand our relationship and imagining what it was like for her as a mother and wife when I was young.

The other day Peanut One was rifling through my things, as usual. He came upon an old journal of mine and quickly raced through the house with it shedding bits and pieces of paper I had stuffed in there at one time or another. I thought I caught it all and put everything back to rest.

I must have missed something, because the next day I found a card J had put on my dressing table. It wasn't dated, but was clearly written to me when I was in college - about 20 years ago. I opened it up and found it was from my mom. Apparently she and I had a big blow-out before I went back to school and she wrote me a letter lamenting our relationship and wondering what had gone wrong. That, in itself, was surprising enough - even my mom would admit she's not the most open person with her emotions.

What followed was a gift that I probably never appreciated when I read it as an angry girl-woman unable to yet see her mother as a human with a path of her own created and driven by people and events I hardly knew of.

What followed was the most open and emotional expression of her past and her path that I have ever received from my mom. I have read it over and over during the last few days and imagine responding to her letter now.

Dear Mom,

I know it took me a while to respond, but thank you so much for your letter. It means the world to me to hear you express yourself this way and I only wish that I had more letters like these to look back upon. Please write back.

Love,

Me

How Ya' Cookin'?

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. I think it's because Peanut One started a new school and we've been meeting so many new people. I also have seen many friendships over the years either falter or take-off for no rhyme or reason and have been wondering about the strong bonds I hold with my friends and the tenuous bonds that never gelled.

What I've decided is that we are all a type of friend maker. I've determined that I'm a slow-cooker (please don't call me a crock-pot!). It takes me a while to warm up and get going but once I do I'm steady, comfortable and reliable. Funny enough, without some sort of event or intervention it is difficult for me to make friends with other slow-cookers, but if I do the friendships last forever.

It seems last year I met a few woks and skillets. They are great - exciting, hot, energetic, engaging - but if you stick around too long you either get burnt or cooked into a mess. I love these people for who they are and the fun they bring, but they are not my go-to buddies.

Recently J and I met some people who seem to be grills. They are open, engaging, come-one-come-all type of folks. This weekend they pulled us into their world like we've been part of the bbq forever. It has been really great and reminds me how much I miss having some grills in my life.

I'm hoping this friendship will pan out - the summer grills and the winter slow-cookers joining together for year-round festivities.

Stop me before I pun too much . . .

Sensitivity

"Sensitive people are by nature shy and anxious."

I read this somewhere and it struck a chord. Is it true?

I'd say I'm a sensitive person. I'd also say at points in my life I've been very shy and/or very anxious. I can see the connection.

Yet I also feel there is a way to be sensitive without being shy and anxious.

It's not my 'nature' to be shy and anxious. I think when I'm shy and/or anxious, it's a result of my sensitivity running rampant without any self-awareness, grounding or 'sensitivity-to-self' kicking in.

The quote kind of ticked me off once I thought about it.

What do you think?