Spandex Man

On a certain corner a man stands nearly every day. He is tall, carries a cane and always wears tight spandex pants. They're short in the summer and long in the winter, but Spandex Man stands there watching the cars go by and waiting for people sitting in traffic to look at him.

You see, Spandex Man has quite a large (ahem) member in his spandex pants. When I first moved to Atlanta and saw him (over a decade ago), I was taken by surprise and couldn't help staring for a moment. Spandex Man stood calmly - no leers or jeers - and proudly. Through conversations with new friends I realized that that's just what he does.

As fate would have it, the condo I used to own was right near Spandex Man's stomping grounds. I would pull up to the light in rush hour traffic and avert my eyes. "Don't look, don't look, don't feed whatever weird thing is going on in this guy's head. . . ". I saw him almost EVERY day for a few years.

One day I pulled up and, behold, Spandex Man was there. But this day he had shorts on over his spandex. I was again shocked and started to imagine what was going on in the therapy sessions I assume he had finally started.

Therapist: How does it make you feel to stand in front of traffic in your spandex?

Spandex Man: I feel great. I feel loved. I feel important. People really see me - and I've got something to show.

Therapist: Now remember your breakthrough from last week? Where you wondered if people would really love you if they couldn't see your large (ahem) member? This week I want you to try and wear shorts over your spandex. You can still go out there at the regular times and stand as you always have - just wear the shorts and see how it feels.

Spandex Man (shaking & whispering): OK. I'll try it.

I wanted to give Spandex Man confidence in his decision. I wanted to look him in the eye and give him a thumbs up. I wanted to roll down my window and say 'way to go' . . . but I didn't.

I couldn't.

It still felt weird to have him there.

Something changed around that time and I don't remember seeing much of him anymore. Maybe it is when I moved out of my condo or switched jobs and, thus, commuting patterns. Maybe Spandex Man progressed further in his therapy and stopped hanging out on the corner.

Yesterday I was rushing to meet some friends. It was raining and I was at the infamous corner. Of course there was tons of traffic. Of course I was stuck in it. I look up and something catches my eye.

It was Spandex Man.

No shorts. Just spandex.

He must have had a relapse.